Dying for a Cure

“I have nightmare news, you have breast cancer.”

It’s been six months since I heard that sentence. For the most part, it’s been surreal. When I found out that the cancer spread to my liver and bones, however, those words became very real and suddenly felt like a death sentence. The nightmare has become my reality and as a new mom, I find myself struggling to celebrating life while also starring down my own mortality.

I don't want to be negative, but I have to be honest with others, and especially with myself...a stage IV diagnosis is grim. I am finding though that conversations around it often feel watered down. Most doctors, for example, no longer refer to stage IV patients as terminal. Instead, they use terms like advanced disease and chronic illness. Even in the breast cancer community, the focus is very much on the survivor/warrior archetype. I appreciate the power of positive thinking, but at the same time, I cannot ignore the truth: I will be in treatment for the rest of my life, and I will either die from cancer or with cancer. 

Every day, 108 women die from metastatic breast cancer in the U.S. alone. I don't want to be another statistic. I don't want my husband to be a widower and a single parent to our son. It’s frustrating to feel so powerless. I guess that’s the best word to describe how I felt when I learned that the cancer had spread; I was frustrated and to be really honest, I was frustrated with myself. I had done everything I was supposed to do. I had my major surgeries, I took my medications, I received chemotherapy, I even wore the damn pink ribbon, and yet, my cancer was spreading. While my oncologist assured me that it had nothing to do with me/my actions, that my cancer is just super aggressive, I couldn’t help but second guess myself. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one questioning how this happened. “What did she do to get cancer,” someone point-blank asked my younger sister.

What did I do to get cancer? Well…I had breasts. Anyone with breast tissue is at risk for developing breast cancer, even men. I also have the BRCA1 gene, so that too put me at a higher risk. Doctors and scientists are unable to pinpoint an exact cause for cancer; they can only look at risk factors like that. But that’s not what he meant. He was looking for a direct cause and effect, and in a way, insinuating that somehow I made a slew of bad choices that brought this on. His questioning was borderline victim-shaming.

Make no mistake, I do not see myself as a victim. Instead, I consider myself an advocate. Just a few weeks ago, I attended a training program through an organization called Living Beyond Breast Cancer (lbbc.org). I met several young women from many different walks of life, all with their own story and struggle. Never once did I look at any one of them and think “I wonder what she did to get cancer.” None of us asked for this or saw it coming. In fact, a common sentiment that we all expressed is that we felt we were doing everything right. Like me, these women were blindsided.

Our weekend together was empowering and insightful. I met a few other “lifers” who were kindred spirits. We all came together with the mission to raise awareness and educate our communities so that people will stop asking what we did or did not do, and instead ask what is being done to find a cure. My “mets sisters” and I are literally dying for it.

Sometimes, this keeps me up at night. I head to the nursery and I look at my son. All I can think about is how much (or how little) time we have together. I hold him close these days, especially at bedtime. I am at peace as he sinks into my embrace and his thumb slowly falls out of his perfect little mouth. After I lay him in the crib for the evening, I find further solace in my husband’s embrace. We talk about life and about death. We cry, but we also find ways to laugh. We remind one another that even though we received “nightmare news,” we do not have to live every minute in that nightmare.

For additional information and breast cancer awareness please "like" and follow Jenny B. vs Breast Cancer on Facebook at www.facebook.com/JBvsBC. 

To make a donation in support of Jen and her family, please visit www.gofundme.com/JBvsBC.