“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
The good, the bad, and
the ugly are all a part of what inspire me to share my story, as they are all
part of my understanding and advancement through this experience. I consider
myself critical, not skeptical, and I am able to apply the same lens to this situation
as I had to apply during my pregnancy. That is, to smile and thank others for
their advice and comments, take what makes sense for me and leave the rest
behind. No use wasting precious time and energy getting upset over silly
comments and bad advice. Instead, I try to be grateful for any/all interactions
that I have with others, and use even the most awkward conversations as a means
to help spread awareness.
This is not another blog
post about “what not to say” to someone with cancer. It seems no matter how
much a thing can seem common-sense to one person, it’s fair game to the next. I
have always been a huge fan of the old adage “if you can’t say something nice,
don’t say anything at all.” However, with cancer, I think the worst thing a
person can do is go silent. Being honest and telling the patient, “I don’t know
what to say,” is preferable to disappearing altogether. I've thus
come to accept that while there certainly are better ways to approach
various topics, I must continue to strive to have patience with others and with
myself when talking through the tough stuff.
Still, as much as breast
cancer is in the public eye, there are many persistent misconceptions that I
routinely encounter. For example, just the other day as I was walking my baby,
I started chit-chatting with the neighbor ladies. One of them said “Thank God
it’s breast cancer! Of all the cancers to have, that’s the easiest. They know
so much more about it now so it’s easier to cure.” Another neighbor then
added, “Plus, it’s so good they caught yours early. You’ll be done soon,
right?”
I had to take pause for
several moments before I could respond. How could I possibly explain to someone
(seemingly) untouched by the “c” word that no cancer is “easy?” Furthermore,
I hadn't disclosed anything else about my cancer or treatment so
how did we jump to my cure already?
Let’s talk about the
“easy” part first, or rather, how cancer is the farthest thing from easy! The
moment someone receives a cancer diagnosis, their entire concept of reality is
shifted, perhaps even shattered. For me, I received the news with my husband at
my side. We looked at each other, and then we looked at our 3 month old son.
There just aren’t enough words to express the feelings of fear, doubt, and loss
that can be all consuming in those tiny spaces of silence. I think that people
often forget that cancer isn't just about “fighting the good fight”
through medical treatment; it’s also a daily internal struggle. All of it
requires vast lifestyle changes, many of which can be immediate. It’s a
complete and utter shock both physically and emotionally. So much has happened
to me in such a relatively short amount of time that I know I haven’t even
begun to process it all. I find it a little disheartening at times that people
hear breast cancer and jump right away to the conclusion that since so many
women have or have had it, it must be “easy.”
I think the larger issue
here is that breast cancer awareness and research has garnered so much
attention in the media that unfortunately a dangerous precedent has emerged in
the public mind: early detection leads to cure. So it’s no wonder that to the
layman, anyone with breast cancer will simply go about their battle and be
“done.” This is problematic for many reasons. Most importantly, let’s all take
a moment to remember that there is no cure for cancer. I hope that I will be
among those fortunate enough to hear the word “remission,” but for anyone with
cancer, there is always the threat that it could come back. Remission is not
the same thing as “cancer free.” In fact, people who have had cancer are never
truly “cancer free,”…the correct clinical term is “cancer not found.” And that
can change in an instant. It is always a lingering threat, and is a grave
burden for the individual. The promise of tomorrow is a lie, and no one knows
that better than a cancer patient.
What is true, however,
is that early detection can lead to higher survival rates. Catching the cancer
before it spreads is key. In my case, I went from a stage II diagnosis
(invasive breast cancer spread to my lymph nodes) to stage IV (breast cancer
metastasized to my liver) in only two months’ time. When I stopped to speak to
my neighbors, I had received this updated diagnosis just a few weeks prior. The
honest short answer I wanted to give them is that they absolutely did not catch
mine early, and that I will not be “done” until I am dead. Doesn't make
for polite conversation though, does it? Instead I smiled, and thanked my
neighbors for their kind words of reassurance. I explained that no, I won’t be
done anytime soon and that while my cancer is aggressive, I have hope that I
will one day wear the “survivor” badge proudly.
Even as
I said the words, I felt some pings of resentment. Traditionally,
the definition of “cancer survivor” is also placed within a clinical
framework as someone who has completed treatment and is free of any sign of the
disease for five years. In
that moment with my neighbors, I allowed fear and doubt to enter my mind. I
would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated by their naïve questions
and being put on the spot like that because honestly, I’m not sure if I
even have five years. After taking the time to reflect, however, I remind
myself that misguided though the questions and comments may be, they are
usually fueled by optimism and curiosity. Since
that conversation, I have accepted an alternative to the clinical definition; I
know that every day I wake, I am a survivor. I pray for patience,
with myself and with others, and I pray for grace to continue to find gratitude
in all things each and every day.
For additional information and breast cancer
awareness please "like" and follow Jenny B. vs Breast Cancer on
Facebook at www.facebook.com/JBvsBC.
To make a donation in support of Jen and her
family, please visit www.gofundme.com/JBvsBC.
No comments:
Post a Comment